Old Mr. Squidward
by Kathy The Cat
Summary: Squidward is sad because he's bald, so he grows a beard to make up for it, but then everyone calls him Father Time, and he gets mad and..... read the rest!


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Old Mr. Squidward

It was Sunday, and no Krusty Krab. Squidward was sunbathing in his front yard, trying desperately to enjoy the very few pleasures in his life. (Yeah, right.) His happy moments of sanity were interrupted by public enemy number one:

"SPONGEBOB! What are you doing under my chair?!" shouted Squidward.

"I'm just inspecting your yard, Squidward. You never know what vile creatures may leap up out of the ground any second, and rid you of your precious life!" said Spongebob.

"I have a feeling I already know what that's like" mumbled Squidward.

"Like this PEANUT SHELL!!!" said Patrick, who popped up out of a hole in the ground.

"Look, you guys had better get out of my yard, RIGHT NOW, or do you want me to call the police?" threatened Squidward.

Spongebob laughed. "Don't worry Squidward! You're safe as long as Patrick and I are on patrol!"

"Please, just go! Or you will forever ruin my peace!"

"I don't think he wants to play with us, Spongebob" said Patrick.

"Don't be silly, Pat. Squidward loves playing with us, and- hey!! Squidward, you're bald!" said Spongebob.

"AND?!" said Squidward.

"WOW!! You're right, Spongebob!" exclaimed Patrick.

Squidward moaned. "Oh.......when will this lifetime pass?"

The next day, at the Krusty Krab, things were getting a little worse...... for Squidward, I mean.

"So, Mr. Squidward? When exactly are you getting that hairpiece?" said Mr. Krabbs, when Squidward came in the door.

"GASP!!! UNCLE SQUIDWARD IS BALD?!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! You've ruined me!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed, or whale-ed Pearl. She had no school, because it was a teacher work day so she was visiting her dad at work.

"Why is it NOW that everyone notices it?" sighed Squidward. "I remember when my male pattern baldness started..." Squidward has a flashback:

*Squidward is a very young squid, and he has a full head of brown hair. He's wearing a large, white shirt with a red bow tie. He's giving a bouquet of flowers to a girl squid*

Squidward: Well, *chuckles* here, Judy. I picked them just for you :)

Judy: For meeeeee? Why thank you Squiddy Squid!

Squidward: Oh, it was nothin'. *looks at the ground*

*all of a sudden, Squidward's hair shrivels up and *POOF* it disappears!*

Judy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! *one of those famous Hollywood screams*

Squidward: AHHHH! What happened?

Judy: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING!! This relationship is OVER!!!!!!!! *stomps away and throws the flowers behind her*

Squidward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*End of Flashback*

"Squidward? Earth to Squidward? Helloooooooooooo? Anyone home?" Mr. Krabbs knocked on Squidward's head.

"Wha....? Oh, sorry Mr. Krabbs."

"Just get to work."

Squidward walked back to his place at the cash register and sniffled. "That was unbearable..... JUDY, WHERE ARE YOU?!" he wailed. Out of the window, an older Judy was walking by, and when she saw Squidward, she flipped him off. (well, she ATTEMPTED too, but it was unsuccessful because squids don't have fingers) "That dirty, rotten..... ARGH!!!!" Squidward yelled.

"What's wrong, Squidward?" asked Mr. Krabbs. "It's not healthy for the money to be around bad energy"

"I think Squidward wants to be a pirate!!" said Spongebob excitedly.

"Where in the world did you get that idea?" demanded Squidward.

Spongebob laughed. "You said 'ARGH!!'"

Squidward stared.

Then next day, Squidward woke up and looked at his old self in the mirror. He was beginning to grow a beard. "I think I'll just let it grow... forever more." he said.

For the next few weeks, Squidward let his beard grow, and it grew until it was about four inches long. No one actually noticed it until it grew five inches.

"HI SQUIDWARD!!!" Spongebob was extremely hyper from eating lunch at Patrick's house. They ate 17 bags of sugar. "Wanna go jellyfishing, Father Time?!!"

"Father Time? Is that what you're calling me?" demanded Squidward.

"FATHER TIME!!! YAY!!! What time is it, Father Time?" Spongebob laughed his loud and high pitched laugh.

"HA, HA, HA!! HA, HA, HA!!" laughed a fat starfish named Patrick as he ran up to Squidward's front yard, where Spongebob and Squidward were standing. "Hey Squidward! You look like a person that I saw..... and his name was Squidward!! HA, HA, HA!!! HA, HA, HA!!!"

Spongebob and Patrick laughed maniacally at the dumbest and the most least expected things, like pens and pencils and vegetables and Sandy's teeth, and even pieces of grass. Squidward would have gone absolutely mad, but he just stood there, staring at them, rolling around on their backs and laughing like there was no tomorrow.

Finally, when Spongebob and Patrick's sugar craziness died down, Spongebob immediately went to sleep and snored soundly. Before Patrick fell asleep, he uttered out "Squidward... you look like Father Time, heh.... SNORE........ SNORE...."

"FATHER TIME? I grow a beard, the only possible way in the world to have hair without spending any money, and they call me Father Time?!! THAT IS.......... a very creative insult."

All of a sudden, a great cloud of dust appeared out in the distance, and it came nearer, and nearer and nearer. Squidward thought it was some kind of underwater tornado. It stopped right next to him, and then a big, old, tall guy stepped out of it. He looked kind of like a Greek God. He had a white robe, and those green things in his ears. He wore big white sandals to cover his big white feet, and in his right hand, he clutched a thick book, and in his left hand, was a big clock.

"Who.... who........ who are you?" stammered Squidward.

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!! I'm sorry, I cannot control my laughter" said the old man "But you look like Father Time!! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Squidward. "You ARE Father Time!! It says so right on your nametag!" Squidward pointed to the little name tag on the old man's chest, and sure enough, it said "Hello, my name is FATHER TIME".

"Well...... SO I AM!!! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!" laughed Father Time once again.

"What are you doing here? Are you here to help me?"

"What are you talking about, inferior little squid? I've been invited to a party! Here's the invitation to prove it." Father Time showed Squidward a little white card, and written on it was:

__

Dear Father Time,

You are invited to a party at Spongebob's house!

You're best friends,

Spongebob & Patrick

"You don't even know who Spongebob is!"

"Of course I do! He is my good friend." Right there, there was a yawn, and Spongebob woke up.

"Hi, Father Time! What are you doing here?" he said.

"Why, I have been invited to your little party, Spongebob!"

"No, I'm sorry, but that was for Squidward." Spongebob pointed to Squidward.

"But, it is addressed to me, Father Time!"

"I know! That's just a funny name we thought of for Squidward, 'cuz he looks kind of like you, now that he has a beard."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW INSULTING IT IS TO BE CALLED 'FATHER TIME'?!!" blurted out Squidward. "WELL?!! DO YOU?!! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN OLD FART!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!!" Squidward calmed down a little. "First you call me bald!! And now you call me Father Time just because I have beard!"

"Umm... Squidward?" said Spongebob.

"What? Are you sorry?" said Squidward.

"Well, that's not exactly what I'm trying to say. It's just that-"

"SILENCE!! I HAVE BEEN ANGERED!!!" shouted Father Time. "AT FIRST I WAS FLATTERED THAT YOU WERE NAMED AFTER ME, BUT I HAVE BEEN GREATLY INSULTED!!!"

"Father Time is mad...." said Spongebob.

"Uh, Oh...." Squidward was scared.

Father Time was very, very angry indeed, for he grabbed Squidward be the nose, and hurt him very badly. There was a giant cloud of dust as Father Time beat up Squidward terribly. When he was done, Father Time dropped Squidward, and left in the underwater tornado.

"NOT............ ONE......... WORD........." said Squidward. He was covered in bandages.

"Don't you wanna see your party?" said Spongebob.

"NO." Squidward slowly limped to his door.

"Please?"

"NO"

"Please?"

"NO"

"Please?"

"NO"

"Please?

"NO"

"Please?"

"NO"

"PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Squidward sighed. "Alright Spongebob. But only for a few minutes."

"Great! Wake up, Patrick! It's time for Squidward's party!"

"It is?" Patrick yawned. "Okay"

Spongebob and Patrick led Squidward to the door of the pineapple house. "Alright, Squidward. Close your eyes." said Spongebob. Squidward closed his eyes.

"Open you eyes, Squidward!!" exclaimed Spongebob and Patrick.

Squidward opened his eyes to see, that the entire house was decorated with wigs!

Squidward gasped. "Are...... are those for me?"

"Yup" said Spongebob.

"Wow, thanks, you guys! Where did you get all of these?" Squidward put one on his head.

"They were homemade!" said Spongebob.

"Out of genuine belly button lint!" said Patrick, and he pulled a big chunk out of his belly button and showed it to Squidward.

Squidward was silent for 10 minutes and he finally shouted out "WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!" and he stomped back into his own house and slammed the door. Spongebob and Patrick heard an extremely loud scream coming from Squidward's house, which turned into a sobbing cry.

"I don't think he liked it, Spongebob" said Patrick, who was frowning.

"Of course, he liked it Pat. He loved it! He's so happy, he's crying. Don't you hear it?" said Spongebob.

"You're right, Spongebob" said Patrick. "I can hear it!"

"YAY!!!! SQUIDWARD'S HAPPY!!!!" Spongebob and Patrick danced around and they heard Squidward yell again:

WHY?!!!!!!

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The End


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